


Love Breaks My Bones and I Laugh

by eclectickathy



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: After the Fall, Angst, Depressed John, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt John Watson, I'm Sorry, John Loves Sherlock, John can't cope, Johnlock - Freeform, Kinda, M/M, Post-Reichenbach, Self-Harm, Self-Harming John, Sherlock Loves John, Suicidal John, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, emotional tension, just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 14:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6427186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eclectickathy/pseuds/eclectickathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John continues to text Sherlock after the Fall, about how he's coping with his death- or rather how he's not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Breaks My Bones and I Laugh

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Texts to a Dead Man](https://archiveofourown.org/works/881422) by [rayray138](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayray138/pseuds/rayray138). 



> Trigger warning for small mention of self harm, huge suicidal trigger warning.

_June 15 2012_  
don't do this  
\- don't be dead  
\- - please

 _June 16 2012_  
why didn't you say something  
\- anything

 _June 18 2012_  
why didn't I know you were hurting  
\- I thought you were happy  
\- - I was happy

 _June 21 2012_  
today is the first day of summer  
\- it rained

 _June 24 2012_  
there was dust on your chair

 _July 1 2012_  
do you remember when you went to Buckingham palace in a sheet? your laugh was brilliant and it's fading and I don't know what to do

 _July 5 2012_  
Ella thinks I'm depressed

 _July 11 2012_  
I got pills from Ella but I don't think I will take them

 _July 23 2012_  
I turned your chair around. I couldn't keep staring at where your face should be

 _August 2 2012_  
I think this must be what ghosts feel like

 _August 3 2012_  
if you were a ghost would you haunt me

 _August 14 2012_  
sometimes I find myself staring into the business end of my gun

 _August 26 2012_  
I dream about dying. it's not completely unpleasant

 _September 13 2012_  
where are you now

_***this number has been disconnected, for more information call X-xxx-xxx-xxxx***_

_September 28 2012_  
Mycroft reconnected the number. I don't know why I need this.

 _October 9 2012_  
I keep holding my gun in my hand

 _October 20 2012_  
I'm useless. At least I was useful to you.

 _November 12 2012_  
would I see you if I pulled the trigger

 _November 19 2012_  
I think I need help. I don't want it.  
\- Come back

 _December 1 2012_  
Molly came to the door. I turned her away

 _December 21 2012_  
cansee why sdrug makesenss

 _December 22 2012_  
doesn't numb for long enough

 _December 25 2012_  
Happy Christmas, Sherlock.

 _January 1 2013_  
New Years resolution: don't talk to a dead man

 _March 9 2013_  
I finally understand why people kill themselves in the spring

 _May 20 2013_  
I'm a doctor. I know the signs. not eating, not sleeping. All common to one, Sherlock Holmes. Why didn't I do something? What the hell is wrong with me?

 _June 15 2013_  
a year without killing myself.  
\- am I a failure? or a hero?

 _June 23 2013_  
if I shot myself in front of the window the sunlight would look red as it fills the room

 _July 8 2013_  
I should have told you I loved you

 _July 12 2013_  
this is the first time I shot the gun. couldn't remember which chamber the bullet was in.  
\- it was vaguely disappointing  
\- - I think I'm starting to sound like you

 _August 4 2013_  
I don't want to be alive anymore

 _August 26 2013_  
why did you leave me  
\- I'm sorry I couldn't see you were in pain

 _August 29 2013_  
I still love you

 _September 6 2013_  
I cut myself today. the blood was ebbing and flowing and it reminded me of nothing it should have

 _October 30 2013_  
it would be cliche to kill myself on Hallow's eve

 _December 24 2013_  
come home

 _December 26 2013_  
another Christmas without my family

 _December 28 2013_  
why do I even try

 _December 31 2013_  
the grip on my gun has gone dull from holding it in my hand  
\- holding it to my head  
\- - it's time for me to finish this  
\- - - I never was a coward, I won't start now

 _S. H. is typing..._  
Suicide is a cowards act, John.

\- I've waited long enough Mycroft. these are private messages.

 _S. H. is typing..._  
Why would Mycroft be texting you from my phone?

\- fuck off

 _Lying Bastard is typing..._  
You're better than this John. Don't do something you'd regret.

\- if Sherlock was alive he'd convince me in person

 _Lying Bastard is typing..._  
I'm on my way just give me some time.

\- I'm not going to wait just so you can drag me to Bart's.

 _Lying Bastard is typing..._  
Fifteen minutes. Give me that. 

\- you come in alone 

\- - if it's someone else I'll shoot 

 

 

Sherlock is standing the doorway and he is looking at John, sitting in his chair with a gun to his own temple, like mockery of a hostage situation. He steps inside, and John mumbles "don't move" and they're both silent so fucking silent and Sherlock's mouth tastes of old cigarettes. 

"John-" Sherlock tries, and suddenly Sherlock can hear him breathing, erratic like an asthma attack and in _six minutes oxygen will be depleted enough in the lungs to cause him to pass out_ and Sherlock can't move but he sees the muscles of John's hand clench just slightly on the trigger and _fuck he's going to throw up._

Sherlock drops to his knees and his eyes are still on John's and he can't breathe watching _John_ not breathe and _fuck if John dies I'll die too_

"Please," he chokes and John's hand shakes on the gun and Sherlock reaches up and pulls it away. 

He hears the gun hit something with a resounding metal clang and he reaches up and takes John's face in his hands. 

"Thank fuck you beautiful beautiful man," and John makes a choked sound in the back of his throat as Sherlock finishes the last word. "Never John. Never scare me like that again." 

John's sobbing, and he presses his face into his hands, but Sherlock won't let John pull away so he's crushed in his arms. 

Sherlock laughs sadly, but John stays silent, his forearms digging into Sherlock's collarbones with each sob that wracks John's frame.

"I've never been so thankful to be mistaken for Mycroft."

 


End file.
